Many people who know me, or follow my blog on AnxietyUnited will know that I suffer from Anxiety and Panic Attacks. This has been something that has plagued me for the past 4 years, however it's never been something I've really expressed much to other people in nitty gritty detail - it's more something I kept bubbling upside me until I'd burst with panic and people wouldn't really know what to do. It's something I've struggled to understand myself, let alone reiterate to others and this has caused me a great deal of heartbreak.
I'd always been a pretty anxious child, I had problems with my sleep for a solid 5 years and I suffered quite badly with attachment anxiety growing up. However, it wasn't until I was about 15 that people started to point out to me that something wasn't right.
As I began my GCSEs, I was becoming more and more worried than I usually was on a day to day basis and these worries started to become irrational and consuming. It wasn't until June 2012 that I had a standard Panic Attack - palpitations, loss of breath, dizziness, pins and needles, overwhelming sense of panic and loss of control, nausea and full on terror, is the best way I can describe it.
As the months went by, and I started my first term of year 11 in September 2012 they only got worse and more common, happening sporadically and more frequently for what seemed like no reason at all.
Eventually it reached a point where I was terrified. I knew people were judging me, saying I made them up for attention or to get sympathy. I couldn't even bring myself to get out of bed in the mornings with fear of having a panic attack. I would cry outside the school gate and refuse to go in. Simple procedures like going to lessons or assembly, eating at certain times of the day or travelling on public transport petrified me.
It got to a point where I was having panic attacks daily, and I sunk pretty low.
Eventually it reached a point where I was terrified. I knew people were judging me, saying I made them up for attention or to get sympathy. I couldn't even bring myself to get out of bed in the mornings with fear of having a panic attack. I would cry outside the school gate and refuse to go in. Simple procedures like going to lessons or assembly, eating at certain times of the day or travelling on public transport petrified me.
It got to a point where I was having panic attacks daily, and I sunk pretty low.
As year 11 progressed and year 12 came around, I managed to 'get over' them. I stuck to a strict routine schedule (I really require a structure in order to reduce my anxiety) and filled my life with plenty of frequent distractions and rewards - many in the form of other people - which coaxed me out of the bubble. They weren't gone forever, they still happened every now and then, but when they did, I dealt with them. I now controlled them rather than them controlling me.
This summer things got dark again. A series of personal events in my life threw my comforts and my schedule and I felt lost inside my own head, with no recognition of what I was supposed to be doing or feeling. I have to admit I don't think I have ever felt so low in my entire life as I did this Summer. I felt depressed and trapped.
Those closest to me saw the change in my character, and tried to get through to me, but as I said before, how can you explain to someone, something you can't understand yourself?
When you feel terrified to even wake up in the morning for absolutely no reason at all, there isn't much you can do in the way of logic.
When you feel terrified to even wake up in the morning for absolutely no reason at all, there isn't much you can do in the way of logic.
As a result of this I began to feel more and more isolated from those who I was closest to. I ended up with a week in bed, a broken heart and a terrifying view that things were never going to get better.
Meanwhile, as I struggled to get myself up and dressed, I was in the process of completing the biggest application of my life - my University application. With a deadline of less than a month looming, it was not an easy process at all. But I did it, I focussed everything I could on it and I got through it.
Looking back now, from 3 months on, it terrifies me to think that I almost didn't go for it because I didn't think my head would be able to handle it. These last 3 months have been potentially the most positive 3 months of my entire life. A stream of truly wonderful things have happened which have made me realise how far I've really come.
Tonight, someone who has known me very well for a very long time told me "they'd never seen me so happy and smiling" and that "I seem to take everything in my stride" and I can't even comprehend how happy that has made me feel. Looking back at everything I've achieved in the past 4 years and all the heartache that's come with it, I am nothing but truly proud of the person I have become today. I am proud of my 16 year old self who dragged herself through and didn't give up - because she so nearly did.
I'm proud of that little voice 3 months back who told me to follow my dreams no matter how broken I felt, and gave me that one last push to get out of bed in the morning.
I'm proud of that little voice 3 months back who told me to follow my dreams no matter how broken I felt, and gave me that one last push to get out of bed in the morning.
Life is never going to be an easy ride, and you will meet people who you will give your entire heart and soul to. But if I've learnt anything, it's that no matter what you think of other people, or other people think of you- no matter how much you love them, or think they love you - nothing is more important that what you think of yourself. Smile and the world smiles with you.
If you are going through a hard time right now, I can promise you it will get better. Wake up, get out of bed and force a smile, no matter how fake it is. Because I promise that the you in 3 months, 1 year, 10 years time, will thank you for not giving up on them.
And remember, no matter what happens, there is someone out there who loves you very much, God bless xx
